Saying farewell, & coming back to China without Z was probably one of the most emotionally difficult things I have had to do in my life so far.
No tearful histrionics (although I will admit to tearful private moments in the last few months), but still, a wrenching tug felt in my heart.
I cannot imagine what it will be like when 2 years from now, I will have to do the same with my "baby" W.
The last time I felt something like that was in the last trimester of my pregnancy with Z when I had a minor panic attack thinking about his impending arrival - doubts & insecurities about being able to be a good parent surfaced for that short moment in time, & made me wish that he could remain protected within my womb for just a while longer.
I suppose this is what parenting is all about - the anticipation, excitement, nervousness, anxiety & exhilaration that come with loving & nurturing a child & the eventual, inevitable letting go.
However, what I know in my head, does not make it easier for my heart.
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